If you found this, act like you havent!

I am back on the misery. I don't know what makes it happen, but it seems to come in waves semi monthly. I will have a great few months, like this summer (6-8 of 2024) where I feel like my life matters and means something. that everyday when I put in effort to achieve my goals its because I have something to offer other people, that what I have to say even matters. Yesterday I woke up and was fine. I ended the day crying in class, multiple times, walking home crying. and of course I drink for multiple hours walking around asking myself over and over; why is everything bad now. its like a bad trip, when all of sudden everything is scary and you just arent having a good time. but instead I feel like a fake woman who has nothing to offer, a socially stunted weirdo. If I cant respect myself, how are other people meant to respect me. I just want to cry, but its not always easy to. I want to kill the man in me but how? If everyone is going to die, why do people get so mad when people commit suicide. I understand to the people alive still its "selfish" but maybe the real selfish ones are the people begging them to stay around. Who are you to tell me my life isnt torment enough to end. I am not in any danger of suicide though, the only real danger I am in, is drug abuse. The funny part is people will look the other way if you are at the end of the line via drugs; but if you are suicidal? Call everyone, friends, family, firemen, the police. Everything that I do, is not to an adequate amount. I played years of videogames trying to make a name for myself or go pro, failed. I dont even tell people I used to play games, its an embarassing fact, you wasted SOO much time for what? Just to be an akward nerd? Ive wasted so muchh time in my life doing essentially nothing. and by no means do I think you have to "do something with your life" but I would love to trade my time chatting with people in class, learning about people, being considerate. Instead all I thought about was gaming. I dont claim that part of myself anymore, I wish it would burn away. I've spent so much time learning music, on the guitar, piano, and a super small amount of drums; but I still dont feel like I can claim musician. I am on my 5th sketchbook when I started in the beggining of 2024. I feel like thats a lot of progress but it doesnt feel like it matters. I dont feel like I have the creativity or unique ideas to become an artist. My printmaking teacher while explaining the syllabus said something along the lines of "many artists here think in pictures because thats what artists do." and i dont know, I just cant think anymore.


If you have a cat and you never love or play with it, it will go feral. If humans are animals, is the weird kid bound to go mad?